BIG TIPS
We stay with sick parents, but I want our own home
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
I love getting ready for a project. Like my father before me, I sit down at the breakfast table on Saturday morning, and whip out the To Do list. His was a packet of 3 × 5 note cards, rubber-banded together and in residence in his left breast pocket; mine a constantly peeled and revised stack of Post-Its.
After crossing off items that have been completed, or have waned in importance, it's time for the wheat vs. chaff debate.
What really needs to get done today? Tomorrow? What could I possibly put off until it can be crossed off without my ever doing it? Could I just cut to the chase and cross that off now?
And so, my priorities are established for the day. I know what must be done. There are no hanging threads. I proceed to do a few critical items from the list, then whatever else I damn well please.
A rigorous process of spring seed ordering yesterday already an activity of dubious criticality-devolved into an orgy of ordering free publications of all sorts. Because along with accomplishing the things I need to, to live, I need to live.
Hopefully next week, after I've gone to the hardware store and bought the extension cord and the step ladder so I can finally mount my smoke alarms, the mail carrier will show up with my Star Jones Wig Catalog.
Dear Big Tipper,
My partner and I have been together for four and a half years. For the last two years we've been living separately, each with our respective parents, due to several reasons including financial considerations, but mostly due to our parents not being in the best of health.
We first decided to move in with them for only a few months, after her father had a series of small strokes, and was diagnosed with diabetes and congestive heart failure. My father now has emphysema which has resulted in him being hospitalized almost every month for years. I've come to the conclusion that there is really not much we can do for them except help them out from time to time.
For some time now, I've been after my girlfriend for us to get our own place again, so that we can get on with our lives. But it's always one excuse after another, from her financial situation, to the fact that our jobs are in different cities.
I've suggested that she transfer to where I live, like I previously transferred to where she lived so we could live together. My parents have even said that she is more than welcome to live here with me at their house (I'm not all that welcome at her parents' house). Well, now her mother has been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and she won't give any thought to moving out.
Don't misunderstand me and think I don't care about our parents. I do care a great deal. It's just that all the plans that we had made for ourselves have been put on hold for so long that I feel that they will never happen if this situation doesn't change. I'm tired of being put on hold. I'm lucky if I get to see her once a month, and there have been times that has stretched to three.
Another concern that I have is that some of my co-workers and friends have told me that they think she is using me for the gen-
erous gifts I give her on birthdays, holidays, special occasions, etc. After this past Christmas I'm beginning to think the same thing.
She knows that if she asks for it I'll go out of my way to get it for her. I don't want to disappoint her. There's a problem though: she doesn't do the same for me. On her request about two and a half years ago, I gave her a list of things I'd like for Christmas. It was a short list (about eight items), and nothing was over $50. Well, the only way I've gotten any of those items was to have bought them myself.
Things have always worked out this way in our relationship, but my friends and coworkers tell me that I should expect the same from her that I do for her. I'm not just in this relationship for the material things, and I hope my girlfriend isn't either, but I just don't know what to believe any more, from the way she acts when she doesn't get everything she asks for and wants. Giving and Not Getting
Dear Even it Up,
You've got two separate questions, but they seem to be part of the same problem, yes? You want to live with your sweetie again, and she's not willing to do that right now, and you're unsure as to whether or not the imbalance of gift-giving in your relationship is a problem, and both of these things are causing you to feel resentful.
One problem that comes with not living with, or being physically close enough to a partner is that your intimate communication can suffer. If you feel a little insecure or sad or worried about something, it's a lot easier to just mention it when it comes up, and deal with it or be reassured.
If you're just talking on the phone, things like that may seem accusatory, or like you're saving up issues and dumping them all at once. It's also easy not to say anything when you are together, because you want the brief time to be pleasant. So, you both suffer from not knowing each other as well as you could, and from the burden of built-up is-
sues.
Here's what I'm thinking: No matter what happens, you need to get a place of your own. Be a good example to her, and reap the personal benefits of space and privacy. You can choose for that to be in the town where your parents live, or between your parents and your sweetie; close enough to both of your jobs and both sets of parents, in case she decides to move in. At the very least, you're not putting that part of your life on hold for anyone.
If her parents don't care for you, or the fact that you're diving on their baby, she's probably getting subtle or not so subtle pressure from them to stay with them. And you're getting pressure from your pals around the imbalance of giving in your relationship. But the people whose opinions really matter are yours and hers. Talk to her about the presents, or not.
The imbalance can be dealt with by easing back on what you spend on her. Tell her you need to save the money for your apartment. Good luck, sweetie.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone@ drizzle.com.
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